Posted on April 14, 2016 Posted By: abcaz
Categories: Church Life, Faith
This may just be the strangest blog I’ve ever written.
It’s on a topic that I hope you never need to use, “How to leave a church with integrity.”
I will start with some honesty. I don’t like it when members decide to go to another church. It hurts my pride and even my feelings. But it does happen. And in today’s church culture, it happens more often than it used to and more often than it should. Sometimes I understand why people leave my church. Sometimes I don’t.
So let me first talk you out of leaving a church. Then, if you must leave, let me give you my best advice on how to leave a church.
First of all, never leave a church mad. Churches are made up of imperfect people, and it’s human nature to offend and to be offended. But that’s never a reason to leave a church. The Bible is clear that we are to be reconciled to our brothers, and walking away does not allow for reconciliation. First take whatever steps are needed to be reconciled to your brothers and sisters; then you may not feel like leaving. If you leave mad, you leave broken relationships behind you and you are very likely to repeat that pattern in the next church.
Secondly, never just walk away without explanation. A church is a family, so it’s never right to leave a family without explanation. I’d rather have an honest conversation with someone who has decided to leave the church and can tell me why he is leaving than to (1) wonder why someone has left or (2) receive dishonest or evasive answers.
Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t enjoy the honest conversations that begin with, “Pastor, we have decided to leave the church and I felt like it was only right to tell you why.” Those conversations are never fun, but at least they’re honest. I understand why the family is leaving. I have a chance to explain or clarify. I have a chance to see my church through the eyes of others. And, occasionally, I can rectify a problem and retain members. But even if I can’t, I respect the face-to-face honesty.
Thirdly, don’t look around for the “latest and the greatest.” Yes, a large church pastor might be an outstanding communicator. And the worship band across town might be better than the one in your own church. And the facilities in the new suburban church might be incredible. And the megachurch might have more ministries and programs. But God’s work is strongest when all churches are strong and getting stronger. And a church is strongest when the members live nearby and can serve more often. I would rather see 10 strong neighborhood churches than one super-strong megachurch.
There are, of course, reasons to leave a church. If you’ve moved and need to serve in a church that is closer to where you live, you may need to leave. If a church is not preaching the Bible—and you’ve pointed it out to no avail—you may need to leave. If you’ve tried to rectify a serious problem and you can’t, you may need to leave. If you’ve tried everything you can to support a church and you cannot do so with integrity, you may need to leave.
But if you leave, do it right.
Be reconciled to any and all people you’ve offended. Talk to the appropriate pastor or ministry leader and give them the honest reason why you’re leaving, without any anger or harsh words. Leave on good terms with all of the members and refuse to burn any bridges. Never lead a revolt and take others with you. And decline any and all opportunities to talk down or gossip about your old church. They may not be perfect, but they are trying to do God’s work, and negative words make God’s work much more difficult.
Have you picked up on my underlying philosophy? A church is like a family. It functions best when members make a long-term commitment to the church and work out differences with God’s help rather than walking away. Leaving the church is a last resort. And even when that becomes necessary, it must be done with integrity, honesty, and compassion.
These words have been focused mostly on church members, but they apply to church pastors and staffers as well. I stayed in my first church as pastor for 13 years. I’ve been in this church for nearly 17 years. (Don’t do the math. It will make me sound old.) I’ve had to work through numerous issues and relationships. There have been days (yes, pastors have those days too!) when it would have been easy to put out my resume, find a new church, and move on.
